Are you in denial? How to know and what to do about it
- Heather McKenzie, LCMHCS
- May 15
- 8 min read
Updated: May 20
Every single one of us dabbles in denial. Situations where we just can’t believe something is really happening.
Have you stayed stuck in a situation, hoping things would go back to the way they were? Or hoping that things will change when it’s clear they won’t?
Maybe you've found yourself spinning in a loop after a breakup or hurtful actions from someone, thinking “I can't believe this is happening!” or “Why me?” or “This isn’t fair!”
You might know something is true on paper, but deep down, you keep wishing it weren’t.
That’s denial—and we all do it.
Denial is a natural way the mind tries to protect us from feeling pain.
But it often keeps us spinning in circles, stuck in a rejection of reality instead of moving forward.
Denial is one of the brain’s go-to coping strategies when life feels too painful, overwhelming, or unfair.
But here’s what you already know...
...refusing to accept reality doesn’t make it go away.
In fact, denial often keeps us stuck longer and makes everything feel heavier.
That’s where something called radical acceptance comes in to help.
What Is Radical Acceptance (and what it's not)?
Radical acceptance is a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). And yes, it’s one of the hardest strategies.
That’s because it asks you to stop fighting reality and instead go against every fiber of you that wants things to be different.
But let’s clear up a few things that might make it easier.
Radical Acceptance is not:
Approval. You don’t have to like what happened.
Giving up. You can still work for change.
Passivity. You can accept reality and still take action.
Forgiveness. You can accept what happened without saying it was okay.
The word “radical” means “all the way.” It’s about fully accepting what’s real...
...in your mind, your body, and your heart.
This means fully facing a loss, a limitation in you or someone else, or a truth about a situation that you wish could just be different.
The benefit of doing this hard thing…accepting…is that when we stop saying “this shouldn’t be,” we open up space to say, “Okay... so now what can I do?”
Some people prefer to call it radical acknowledgment—a reminder that we’re not saying, “This is fine.”
We’re saying, “This is something that’s true.”
It's the strategy you can use when a situation (or your life) doesn’t look like what you wanted... or what you deserve... or what you’ve worked towards.
It’s the practice of saying, “This sucks. Now what?”
It’s incredibly hard.
And let me tell you why to try it anyway.
Why 'acceptance' helps more than denial
Refusing to accept something blocks our ability to cope, to problem-solve, and to move ourselves forward.
You can't find your next step if you're still trying to undo the last one.
Denial often shows up when something feels too painful for us to admit—a loss, an unwanted change, an unfairness, a disappointment.
An interesting twist to consider: we only use denial about things we don’t like.
--> We don’t usually sit around insisting, “This great thing shouldn’t be happening to me.”
"This healthy body, this caring relationship, this gorgeous weather…it’s not fair!"
Nope, we don’t do that.
So this means that we do know how to accept reality.
We just resist using that power when reality feels painful.
Radical Acceptance is about reclaiming that power.
Signs You Might Be Resisting Reality
Run yourself through these reflection questions:
Do you find yourself saying, “This shouldn’t be this way” or “This isn't right”?
Do you feel resentment or bitterness or confusion in certain relationships?
Do you avoid thinking about a certain situation because it’s too painful?
Are you telling yourself, “I can’t stand this” or “I’ll never get through this”?
Is there a part of you that knows something is true, but you keep hoping it will change?
If any of those are familiar, you might be in the tug-of-war that Radical Acceptance can help with.
The goal of Radical Acceptance
The goal isn’t to like what happened.
The goal is to reduce your suffering and increase your sense of peace & freedom by coming to terms with the facts.
When you stop fighting reality, you free up your energy to figure out what you can do next.
Pain is inevitable in life and inevitable for all humans.
--> We can't avoid grief, disappointment, heartbreak, illness and failure.
Suffering happens when we add resistance on top of the pain.
--> Suffering comes when we say, “It shouldn’t be this way.” It’s the mental and emotional weight we carry when we resist reality.
Acceptance doesn’t remove the pain, but it can ease the suffering.
When to Use Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is especially useful when:
You’ve had a major trauma or loss of something important
It’s clear that something you wanted is not going to happen for you
There’s no clear way to change the upsetting situation
You’re stuck in resentment, self-pity or emotional paralysis
In these dynamics, acceptance becomes the action that gives you back some control.
How to practice Radical Acceptance
Here's the juicy part. Radical acceptance is not a one-and-done kind of skill.
It’s something you engage in over and over—sometimes daily, sometimes moment to moment. The repetition helps it to stick and helps to ease your emotional suffering.
Here’s how to get started with Radical Acceptance:
Notice when you’re resisting reality.
Pay attention to thoughts like “This isn’t fair,” or “I can’t handle this.”
Those are signs you might be in denial or willfulness.
Name the actual facts.
Say to yourself: “_______ is what’s happening.”
Or “______ is the truth of the matter.”
You don’t have to like it. Just start with what’s true.
Use supportive self-talk. Try phrases like:
“Fighting this reality is only hurting me more.”
“This is really hard—and it’s also real.”
“I can’t change this right now, but I can figure out how to live with it.”
“I don’t have to like it to accept it as true.”
“This is the truth of what’s happening right now.”
“I don’t like it, but I can handle it.”
Let the feelings come.
The sadness, grief, anger, regret—these are part of the process of accepting.
Feeling your feelings isn’t weakness; it’s how you heal them.
Practice acceptance with your body.
Use tools like calming your breath as you coach your self-talk.
Or relax your face & body by dropping your shoulders away from your ears and unclenching your jaw (slightly part your lips).
Your physical body often holds onto tension when your mind resists reality.
Practice acceptance in your mind. (this is my favorite one)
Imagine what you’d be doing or saying if you had already accepted the reality of the situation.
Imagine yourself facing the thing you don’t want to accept. Picture yourself handling it head on or getting support to tackle it.
For example: if I truly accepted the fact that my parent is just who they are and will never be the parent I wanted or deserved…what would I do next? How would I think and interact? What would my expectations be?
Imagine yourself facing the situation with full acceptance.
Rehearse in your mind what you’d do, say, or feel and how you could cope.
Do a pros and cons list.
Write down what fighting reality is costing you (anguish, energy, time, peace, relationships).
Write down what you can gain from acceptance (clarity, forward movement, new options, emotional freedom).
Re-read this list when you feel stuck in resistance or denial.
Applying Radical Acceptance to loss
Some of the most painful places to use radical acceptance are in losses that are big and don’t have clean edges...
...like the end of a friendship, tense family relationships, infertility, or a career that never materialized.
Sometimes there’s no closure. No apology. No clear answer to “Why?”
--> These are moments where the mind desperately wants to make sense of what happened... and where denial loves to take root.
We get stuck looking for answers we may never get.
Freedom is on the other side of accepting that you might never know why things happened the way they did.
This challenging path of radical acceptance can stop the mental spinning and help you heal.
Acceptance helps you stop waiting for answers or fantasizing about a version of reality that will never come.
You may never get the explanation you wanted.
The apology.
The fairness.
The chance to go back in time and get a different outcome.
But you can move forward without those things.
Radical acceptance gives you that option.
Turning the Mind: the fork in the road
There’s a smaller skill within Radical Acceptance called “turning the mind.”
Picture yourself standing at a fork in the road.
--> Down one path is resistance... the rumination, denial, emotional paralysis.
--> Down the other path is acceptance... it's gritty, honest, painful, and freeing.
Turning the mind means consciously & repeatedly choosing the path of acceptance for yourself.
It means you notice the moments when you're resisting...
...and you choose (again) to turn toward acceptance.
You don’t have to feel ready or confident to face the difficulty. You just commit to keep turning yourself in that direction.
4 steps for Turning the Mind:
Notice you’re not accepting.
Spot the signs of resistance: anger, avoidance, self-pity, harsh judgments. (thoughts like “why me?” or “this can’t be real” are big clues).
Commit inside yourself to accept reality.
Decide you'll do it even if you don’t like it.
Do it again and again.
Every time your mind resists, gently turn it back towards accepting the truth of what is.
You'll get off track sometimes. That's okay. Just keep turning back.
Plan for the hard moments.
Identify what will help you stay grounded when resistance shows up again.
Maybe it's deleting an app that keeps you stuck, reaching out to a friend instead of numbing out, or doing a soothing activity while reminding yourself: "I can survive this."
How to take action towards acceptance today
Think of a situation you're currently resisting and try this 5-minute exercise:
Take 3 slow breaths in & out to calm yourself.
Say out loud: "This is the reality of my situation right now..."
Name the specific facts of reality without adding extra assumptions or meaning.
Acknowledge your feelings: "I feel _______ about this"
Ask yourself: "If I fully accepted this reality, what would be my first small step forward?"
Write down that step, no matter how small.
Tomorrow morning: Review what you wrote and take that small step forward.
Your takeaways:
Radical acceptance isn’t about pretending everything is fine or letting people off the hook.
It’s about giving up the losing fight with reality so you can focus on what you can do next.
You don’t have to do it all at once.
You don’t have to like it.
But if you're stuck in denial, Radical Acceptance is your invitation to stop spinning and start healing.
You don’t have to feel ready or okay. You just have to stop fighting reality long enough to ask yourself:
This is the situation. Now what?
That’s where freedom begins.
If high anxiety or intense emotions get in the way of taking action in your relationships and life, my live and on-demand courses can help you gain the emotion regulation tools you're missing.
Image credits in order of appearance: Gama.Films, Demid Druz, Master Unknown
